At the most fundamental level, relationships are entered into because of a biological drive for the human race to reproduce.

When we are young, we don’t even know why we think that person in our class is cute or why we feel the drive to connect with them.           When You Accept Yourself, Everything Else Falls Into Place

It’s so fundamental to our species that we act out for no apparent reason. Our families are often befuddled by our choice of partner. Our friends often wonder where we disappeared to when we pair off.

It’s the way of the world. It’s what we were designed to do.

But it’s a mechanical nature. There is no thought behind our actions or decisions.

Penguin Dream Meaning: What Does Dreaming of Penguins Symbolize?

The early years

If we can make it through those early years without screwing up too badly, we can begin to develop a mature personality with mature relationship desires.

As for me, I had four children by the time I was 24, and therefore not many opportunities to mature in my understanding of self or my relationship to others (besides my children), as my prefrontal cortex finally hit full development.

I was already in a marriage that was not healthy for me or for my children. But I was financially dependent on my husband.

I did not mature much during this relationship. I lived in survival mode.

Beginning to mature

When my children grew up enough that they began to function as their own people, with less of my input, I started dissecting my relationship needs and goals, and realized just how far off the mark I was.

I realized how toxic the situation was that I found myself in.

At this point in my life, I began to read EVERYTHING I could find about relationships. I’ve been down the attachment theory rabbit hole. I’ve read books and articles about sex, the effects of child rearing on relationships, I even read He’s Just Not That into You, by Greg Behrendt and Liz Tuccillo (a must read for every teenager in my opinion).                                                                                                                      You name it, I’ve probably been down a rabbit hole at one point or another.

I’ve dated based on astrological sign, eHarmony matching score, attachment style, etc.

Here’s what I’ve learned:

Relationships, in their most mature form, are a mirror.             

How to stop caring what people think of you?

Other people reflect back to us what we are unable to see in ourselves.

Without relationships (all kinds of relationships, but I’ll focus on romantic relationships here) many of our innermost traits would never be brought into the light, to be learned from, to grow from.

Other people bring to the surface feelings and reactions we didn’t know were laying dormant inside of us.

Picture this: a man and a woman are on a road trip together.

The woman is driving, the man is navigating. Suddenly the couple realizes that the man has led them in the wrong direction and they are now two hours off course. The woman berates the man, telling him he’s stupid.

Aside from the obvious problem that nobody should ever call their partner names, let’s dissect the potential outcomes for the couple.

If the man was never called stupid as a child and never internalized the feeling of being stupid for one reason or another, this insult will mostly roll off his back. He will be immune to it in many ways because he does not IDENTIFY with it. Not to say he won’t be upset, but his reaction will be reasonable.

If, however, the man was called stupid by his father on a regular basis and therefore a tender spot exists inside of him about being stupid, this will trigger an outsized reaction. He has already identified with being stupid, so he’ll likely get angry and defensive. He may go on the offensive and call his wife something inappropriate in return.

The point I’m trying to make here is that everything that happens to us is neutral. The event itself is always neutral.

We ascribe meaning to it. That’s when it becomes “good” or “bad”.

Was it wrong of the wife to berate her husband? Yes, of course. But did the husband have to internalize it? Did he have to pick up and carry what she was throwing at him? No, he did not.

So often, we do not realize that we are the cause of our own outsized reactions. We blame the other person for their actions. They MADE us angry, hurt, sad, upset.

But it’s not true. The angry, hurt, sad, upset was inside us. It was waiting for the right moment to rear its ugly head.

Believe me when I say I’ve had this conversation with many people who WHOLEHEARTEDLY disagree.

They get very angry at me.

They’ll say, “So my child dying is a neutral event?”

I’ve come close to losing two children. My oldest daughter almost died in labor with her first child, and my second daughter has cystic fibrosis and nearly died before a new life-saving treatment was developed a few years ago.

I’m well acquainted with suffering. So how can I say that those events are neutral? How can I proclaim that they are neither inherently good nor bad?

It’s not personal. That’s how.

We are all born, knowing that one day we will die. Nature is unforgiving. Life happens to all of us.

There is literally no point to life at all without adversity, without challenges.

The deer does not feel that it is unfair when she is caught by the lion. Nature, unapologetically, is what it is. And humans are simply another animal living in nature.

We come to this earth for the very shortest of blips on the radar. Very few of us will be remembered beyond a generation or two — some not even for that long.

The Shakespeares and Mozarts are few and far between.

So what is the point of life then?

The point is to learn all that we can about ourselves and about humanity in the short time we have.

We are here to learn to lighten someone else’s burden, or at the very least never make anyone’s heavier.

As young, and stupid humans, we all hurt others. It is, indeed, they way we learn NOT to.

I digress.

Relationships.

How to *really* know you’re in love

That is one of our most important jobs while we’re here. We are to learn how to care for one another. We are to learn selflessness. We are to learn unconditional love.

Those of us who have found our focus in this, are happier.

It’s the most interesting of conundrums that the more we serve others, the happier we become.

And it’s no different inside of a relationship. The best relationships in the world contain two people who have made it their loftiest goal to always make their partner’s happiness first in their life.

You don’t see it often — most often one partner is the giver, one partner is the taker — but when you can find a relationship wherein both partners are the giver, you can see eternity!

The gates of understanding open wide and the mysteries of the universe are revealed.

I do not exaggerate in saying this.

The next time you are having an argument or disagreement with your significant other, try to discover the part of yourself that was lying dormant, waiting for this exact moment to give you the opportunity to learn something about yourself.

AND THEN LEARN SOMETHING ABOUT YOURSELF.

Don’t blame your partner for triggering an outsized reaction, thank them. You could never have seen it without them being your mirror. And if you have a partner that’s willing to see their own outsized reaction with you? Then you have a true gift indeed, and probably an amazing and lifelong relationship!

Now is probably a good time to mention that most relationships usually have one partner that is willing to truly self-evaluate and one that is not.

Sometimes, neither partner is willing to see. Those relationships cannot and will not work. They may stay together and drag the misery on forever, but the relationship will never work.

Two partners who are both willing to actually see themselves, that is the dream. That is the only relationship that can ever be happy.

Blame is what kills relationships. Self awareness is what makes them bloom.

One book I absolutely love related to this topic is Relationship Magic: Waking up Together by Guy Finley. I highly recommend it if you’re ready to start learning something from your reactions.