Are online relationships real relationships?

In my office almost every day I get a different story about how an online relationship has affected someone. Sometimes good, sometimes not.

Our “new world order” of the internet begs the question: when we have friends or relationships on the internet only, do those qualify as real relationships? According to the infamous Dan Savage, “unless you have exchanged spit with someone, you are not in a relationship!”.

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While I am not against meeting a potential new partner online (perhaps a better option than in my own young adult days when we met people at the bar?), I do have questions about the legitimacy of people officially being in a relationship with someone whom they have never met in person. Going back at least ten years ago or more, I have had clients on my caseload who were ‘dating’ someone for weeks, months, even for years — but had never met in-person. Some even defined their relationships as sexual, with the use of webcams and such. Hmmmm. I wonder what Dan would say about that?!

A further phenomenon that I have stumbled upon is a large number of young males (mostly men, occasionally women) between the ages of approximately 17 and 25, that are living at home, not attending school or gainfully employed, and on their computers for hours. I fondly refer to them as ‘the Lost Boys’. Most often in these circumstances parents were beside themselves with worry and anger, and not sure what exactly to do with them. As I extended my research about this growing problem, I discovered that this was not just a North American problem. At that time, there were approximately 700,000 of them in Japan, known as hikikomori. In Great Britain they also have a name for this group: NEET — Not in Employment, Education, or Training.

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These Lost Boys spoke in detail about their ‘friends’ that they gamed with as though they were buddies in their basements, having beers together. They knew facts about them, where they lived, and often their ages and occupations . . . but had never met in person. Some of the online community members were also in relationships with one another, referring to them as their partner or significant other. Again, no spit being exchanged.

Then there is the other common day dilemma, the impact that social media has on the people that you do know. How are these tools affecting people and their relationships? Again, sometimes it is good; nothing short of amazing to be able to connect with people we care about irrespective of distance and time zones. However, sometimes not so good.

Think about teens these days and their high school mates. I can tell you that there are plenty of parents that are none too happy that they only see the tops of their kids’ heads as they stare at their devices for hours. Surprisingly, there are also plenty of teens who are unsure about it themselves. A teen girl, for example, once admitted to me that “Snapchat is a job”. She told me that she must look through everything, check it, and make sure that nobody is mad at her.

I find it [Snapchat] annoying and stressful, and even though I know that balance is healthier, I am stressed NOT being on it. It makes me feel like I am trapped inside of it. Often I am online for hours, and I only leave it for food.

We also know that youth can be brave and mean behind their keyboards, or that text can also be misinterpreted as it doesn’t allow for tone, intonation or intent. This all can culminate into negative emotional experiences on the same people that they share space with at school on a daily basis. Which is the real relationship, the person you bump into in the hallway who smiles and says hi, or the one who called you out on Facebook last night?

On another vein, there are many single people around the world searching for their ‘soul mate’, and online is an easy way to connect with people across the globe. Many even take the next step and make the trek to meet one another in person. Again, sometimes these unions are successful, and often they are not. It is one thing to originally meet and get to know someone online, and then to find out later at a coffee date with them that there isn’t any chemistry. It is another if you have to hop on a plane to find that out. A different kind of journey and disappointment if things do not pan out.

There is one further disappointment that is a huge problem, and not too many people are talking about it. What about the person that you have been chatting with online, or are in a relationship with, that isn’t who they say they are? Have you seen the movie Catfish? If you haven’t, you must. It is a great documentary about exactly this issue. Click here for the official YouTube trailer.

I have had the sad job of picking up the pieces of clients who have been affected by imposters. They meet online, they sometimes talk for hours or days or weeks, they may even fall in love.

When I spoke with one of their customer service representatives, she referred to the offenders as “scammers” that typically work through social media or though a game.

People do this for a living. It is how they make their money. I have only been doing this work for a short time, but I love my job. It is great to be able to help people understand.

Why are we not hearing a lot about this? Shame. People are often mortally wounded during this process, but are too embarrassed to admit it to their family and friends, and often even to themselves. They may already feel stupid, so they certainly don’t need to hear that from others. Now they are wounded and isolated. Bad combination.

All in all, online relationships are definitely relationships. Whether they are healthy or not is another story. Keep yourself safe and pay attention to your ‘spidey’ sense. If something seems not quite right, or too good to be true, don’t ignore that feeling. Remember, you too could be the target of a Catfish yourself.